You're napping next to me on our bed, on your tummy with your hands near your face covered in a pink blanket. You like to sleep on the left side of your face, which I like to believe you do so because you want to see me the instant you wake up. It's the afternoon, and your big sisters are napping too. This is my favorite time to get tasks done around the house, but today I'm laying next to you, not sleeping but falling in love.
I don't know how you're doing this to me. You are taking my heart to new places, changing my moods instantly with your smiles and smirks. When you coo I about fall apart. You, Ivy Marie are exactly what I needed, when I never knew I was wanting.
Who knows if you'll ever read this, but if you do, I want you to know that your pregnancy was hard for me. You came into my tummy when your sister Eliza wasn't that old and I feared that having three kids so close together was going to ruin me, destroy the relationships with Avery and Eliza, and that my exhaustion would make me a mean mom. There were a couple days early on where I had horrible stomach pain, and I feared the worst, with the subtle thought that losing you would be better because then I wouldn't be so overwhelmed. And then the second day of this pain occurred and I hated myself for thinking that not having you would be better than having you. The pain passed and when I heard your heartbeat and the next appointment, I wept with joy. You were suppose to happen.
I was anxious before your birth for no reason I could put my finger on. When you were born, I already knew you. I didn't feel this way with your sisters. Of course I loved them, but I felt like you and I were old friends who were picking up on a conversation we started years prior. When they worked on me after your birth, you were all alone on that heated table, with no one talking to you or caring for you. I was experiencing intense physical pain at the moment but I remember yelling, "Can someone hold Ivy? She's all alone." The pain of your loneliness was almost as hard.
And since that day, baby girl , I don't think you've ever been alone. Avery tells us secrets, as she calls them, all the time, "Ivy is so pretty." We couldn't agree more. Now, you have a big life ahead of you. You're going to experience things that we never have. When God put you together, he made your head a little different and in the summer time, you're going to get that fixed. Brilliant doctors and surgeons are going to work on your precious skull so that you can grow properly. You'll have the hands of many caring for you, and we trust them to take care of you. You'll wear a scar for the rest of your life that will tell of a time when you were so strong, but you won't remember any of it, but we will always.
Ivy, we are not asking God why he made your head different, or why the plates that make up your skull fused prematurely, we are thanking God for protecting your brain in all of this and praising him for all the provisions to get it corrected.
I want you to know this, I know you my girl. I knew something was different a few hours after your birth. I caress your head and your right ear all the time praying over you. You are a part of me, and even though I had your sisters already, you make me feel like a mom. Holding your chin for your CT scan, singing to you while they analyzed your skull, you we're calm and safe. I couldn't wait to get you back in my arms.
This mom job is no joke. But there is a way you look at me, you make me feel needed. Important. You calm down at my touch and you smile when I speak. I feel incredible when I'm with you, even last night at 3 in the morning. You make it all worth it.
When I got pregnant with you, I didn't think I wanted you. And I know that's horrible to say. But Ivy, mom needed you more than you need me. You have changed my world, the way I view myself, and have affirmed my calling with your life. I am a mom, a mom to Avery, Eliza, and you, my darling girl. There is so much junk out there making moms feel inadequate these days. The love I feel for you erases all those feelings.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I love you more than you'll ever know.